I Said Yes, But I Meant NO…😬

The Power of Self‑Validation in Children (and How Books Can Help)

The grass was very green. I know because I was staring at it, eyes locked.

My friend’s voice trembled. “I’m really sorry, Miriam. My parents said I could only invite 5 friends this year, and I thought you would be the nicest about being left out– but I don’t want you to feel left out!”

“It’s okay,” I reassured. “I don’t feel left out. You guys have fun. I have a lot to do this weekend anyway.”

She had been holding her breath, and it came out in a relieved whoosh. “Thanks, Miriam. I knew you’d be nice about it!”

I smiled and walked off, but I was a lying liar. I did feel left out, dispensable. If my friends didn’t think of me as essential, I must not be very important, I reasoned.

I was completely gutted, reeling from the inability to validate my worth separate from peer approval.

Pre-teen life is a lot like this, but so is every stage of childhood that came before it, and every stage after. There are always times where those around us do not see us clearly or communicate our worth to us.

This begs a question–What's one thing can make your child more capable, confident, and emotionally resilient?

It may sound a bit like a magic bean, but it’s not magic.

The answer is internal validation!

There are two ways humans seek validation.

External validation:

A very familiar method is external validation (like the example from my story above). External Validation is the reliance on other people who boost your self esteem through acknowledgement and praise. Your entire self-worth is based largely on how other people perceive you.

With external validation, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

Internal Validation:

Internal Validation is a solo act. And it is an absolute win-win.

With internal validation, your self worth comes from feeling secure in your values, and in recognizing your own strengths and accomplishments. You feel good about yourself, instead of falling prey to the winds of ever changing public opinion.

Sounds good, right?

Here’s the catch though. In order to develop internal validation skills, children need to experience validation and see self-validation modeled.

Caregivers are uniquely qualified to be a consistent, loving voice of validation that builds up instead of tearing down. You are your child’s coach in building a voice of inner validation.

Here’s a simple road map for how to help your child develop these skills:

1. Emotional awareness–notice what they feel and why

2. Resilience– help them stick with challenges without shame

3. Self‑compassion– respond gently during tough moments

As you consistently coach your child, they will develop their own voice of internal validation.

For an extra boost, books can help! Books serve as a bridge, offering gentle instruction without confrontation. When children see characters with relatable emotions, they get the double benefit of feeling seen (“That’s exactly how I feel!”) and learning healthy responses (“What did they do next?”).

There are many wonderful books that can aid you in reaping these benefits for your child, and a new one will be available this Friday 6/13! 

Paislee and the Balloon is the story of a very disappointed little porcupine (why on earth does her balloon keep popping?), and a kind adult who coaches her through tough feelings about what is fair. In the end, internal validation makes Paislee glow with happiness.

It’s definitely worth your time to read it with your child, and for the first week of publication the e-book will be available for a promotional price of just $2.99. Be sure to check out Paislee and the Balloon this Friday, 6/13!

Warm Regards,

Miriam Monette

Co-Founder, White Lake Press